Last night was rough... I spent the day dreaming where our young family could end up. Possibilities mounted and my heart soared at the thought of moving somewhere, anywhere, but here. We currently live in an urban colonial that's not in the best or worst part of the city, if you know what I mean. Our neighborhood is saturated with history, but not much else in the way of kid friendly attractions. In fact, our daughter is just now leaving our local public school for a private one surrounded by fresh air and open fields. Maybe its just my excitement for her new adventure, but my own expectations for our family were outpacing reality and our bank account. Wide open spaces were calling my name, and the beautiful, newer houses that sit on them too.
Needless to say, last night found me curled up on the couch next to my Joe, browsing the internet for the perfect abode. Every few minutes I would hear myself compulsively quip "looooook, the best one yet! You think we could do it?" He indulged me, like he always does. Being a dreamer, there are many times that I hear "no way, too big", but Joe patiently hears me out while still maintaining the necessary balance that frequently escapes me. He literally drafts others peoples dream homes as his day job, so this is a pretty common scene in our home.
There we sat, discussing floor plans and drooling over amenities...
After more than an hour of show and tell, fiddling with online mortgage calculators, and 20 zip codes later, it became apparent that moving at this time just didn't make sense. I felt tears well up, and the frustration of not being able to provide the environment that I desire for our family overwhelmed me and spilled out onto the couch cushions. Noticing my distress, Joe grabbed my hand and softly said "I am not withholding this from you. I want to give you and the kids everything you're asking for, but it's not going to happen right now." Immediately, my own selfishness hit me like a custard pie in the face.
He wasn't withholding, he was 'with' and 'holding'...
I fondly remembered our vows to "have and to hold," and the look on his face when we said "I do." The same gentle, leading grace was with him that day, and it hasn't left him since. In contrast, my demeanor is quite often impatient and demanding, always looking for ways to improve myself and those around me. It's exhausting. The whole situation reminded me of Christ's patience with His bride, the church. How often do we petition Him for bigger, better, more?
How often do we desire His provision over His presence? What if He isn't withholding... What if He's with and holding? Just for today, can we accept that He is working hard towards the desires of our hearts? Can we accept that right now might not be the right time?